restorer of lost voices

 

 

For I am confident of this very thing,
That He who began a good work in you will
Perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1: 6 NASB

 

 

A curious child matched the gleam in her grandfather’s eyes as she helped to feed his greedy fish. The beauty of their dips and dives and palette mesmerized with wonder and breathless silence.  She’d sit on the steps long after he’d gone and study the iridescent flight of the sea creatures. Words weren’t necessary or possible. How can we fathom or explain the hand of God?

I recently visited an aquarium with my grandsons and felt my passion for the tanks stir again. Treasures of the deep- some memories we keep and others we learn to put in proper perspective. Otherwise, grief and anger and bitterness overtake us, and it all but destroys our body and spirit. For the sake of future generations, I will no longer be silent.

I loved my grandfather. He made me believe that belly laughs were possible with his silly antics. When he shot cooked peas at me over the dining room table- I knew I was a favored grandchild. He rarely missed his target. I too almost gagged on the green pellets and squished them into my napkin to toss out later. So, I covered for both of us. But there was another side to him.

Decades later, I learned that my grandfather had verbally and emotionally abused his family. I’d also been told that he’d physically abused some of his children. Though I’d never been a victim of his wrath, I witnessed his hurtful and offensive barrage at a family reunion. The silence that followed was equally uncomfortable and shameful. No one defended the casualty in the circle.

The leader of our family had insulted, demeaned, and humiliated someone I loved, and no one defended her. I won’t forget the wash of ashen pain that flooded her face before her dark pools dropped. She’d been made to feel stupid much of her life. And no one held him accountable. Although, it has taken me more than 23 years, I must respond.

Verbal and emotional abuse leaves a dent on the soul unlike physical abuse. Cuts and burns and bruises eventually heal, but words are not forgotten. They play like a tape recorder in our mind, again and again; they remind us of our faults and imperfections, inadequacy and unworthiness. And we do not see ourselves correctly. We begin to believe that we are “dumb hammers!”

Abusive relationships are defined by power and control. The offender often dismisses or minimizes his/her actions or blames it on the victim. One person makes all the decisions about what to eat, where to shop, or how to spend their time. And the culprit often uses the children to keep their partner in line. If he/she disobeys, the offender threatens to take them. Isolation and intimidation often separates the victim from family and friends, and he/she may be told they can’t work outside of the home or further their education. Likewise, the one who is a bully in the home often reacts the same way in other settings and vice versa. It’s their way or no way!

Jesus Christ’s submission to His Father’s will and His leadership and ministry with His disciples didn’t suggest that male privilege and a “king of the castle” mentality in the home was all right. Christ never silenced or demeaned or shamed His followers into action. Instead, He draws us with chords of His loving kindness. We sin and fall short of the mark of His glorious perfection. Male and female- both created in God’s image with a plan and purpose; we are prone to wander. We sin and confess and repent, and turn again and again. But still He beckons us.

Verbal and emotional abuse should never be ignored, dismissed, or handled with tolerance. When we ignore the warning signs, the cycle continues and future generations are impacted. Girls learn they have no say or choice in the home, and boys grow up to be disrespectful bullies. And this wasn’t what God had in mind when he created the sanctity of marriage.

Misfits and rebels, waifs and scoundrels- we’re all broken and in need of a Rescuer, a Deliverer and Healer and Redeemer. Jesus, in a sea of second chances, shows us how to live by grace. Humility was seen when He knelt and washed His disciples’ feet and served them breakfast. Also, when Jesus healed the adulterous and unclean women, and restored the lame and blind beggars and outcast lepers, He addressed their truth and met their needs without disgracing them.

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5: 27, 28 (NASB)

How did Christ love His church? He laid down His life for His bride and made her blameless. Jesus’ submission required the utmost form of sacrifice. Husbands are also called to lead their home with great concern and provision- to love and protect and be willing to lay down their life. The cost of their submission is great as they put their wife’s needs and desires before their own. The husband loves and cherishes her as he would his own body.

. . . And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5: 33 (NASB)

My mother is the most beautiful and compassionate woman I know. She has a lilt in her laugh that lights up a room and puts others at ease. She lives simply and thrives in dark and lonesome places. She hides her heart ache and has used her loss and suffering to minister to her church and community. And she models how to care for and serve my family. She trusts in God and is wise. When she couldn’t finish high school, she took courses to become an LPN and worked. She obtained her GED years after she’d raised her children. My father stood by her side with pride, and she also honored him. Their relationship was founded on love, respect, and mutual submission.

I loved my grandfather and hold fast to my fond memories of our shared passion for the deep. But I won’t sweep the family history of hurt and shame and betrayal under the rug anymore. My mother has given me the courage to finally shout my story from the roof tops. And this is a start!

Lily Mae