“The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness—Israel, when it went to find rest.” The Lord appeared to him from afar saying “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have drawn you with loving kindness. Again, I will build you and you will be rebuilt.” Jeremiah 31: 1-4 a NASB

My father’s birthday was this week. He passed away unexpectedly in 2019 and left a graveyard of dry bones for me to unearth. I still haven’t had the stomach nor the energy to ponder the pain of his demons that he disclosed right before his death. I can’t imagine how he carried them at all. I struggled to know how to honor his memory. He didn’t know how to love without conditions. He had little sense of humor and didn’t know how to play with his shy and angry ragamuffin. Furthermore, he was a harsh disciplinarian. 

I never felt good enough—not plain, modest, spiritual, smart, or happy enough . . . he held me at arm’s length to hug me. But now I understand!

And that is enough.

I have a heavenly Father who calls me beloved. He called me by name and created me with purpose. He is wild about me. He delights in me and sings over me with His song! (Zephaniah 3:17) He has healed me with His Word. (Psalm 107: 20) He leads me with ties of love. Gentleness. Forgiveness became possible. And so, I’m forgiven! He alone is rebuilding my ruins and restoring my waste places. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!

You see, if I were truthful, I’m my father’s daughter. He was a hard worker, meticulous to a T. He washed and shined his cars most Saturdays . . . even when he came to visit. I also cleaned house like clockwork and vacuumed as Ken packed the last suitcase when we left for vacation. Few things made me laugh! I’m reminded of a dialog with a co-worker that occurred decades ago . . . I fell into belly laughs, the kind that leave you weak, because we realized at the same time what the other was actually saying. She was asking me, “Do you eat brown eggs?” (She had some to share from her farmstead.) I replied, “We-eat-eggs.” To which she questioned with puzzlement, “Wheat eggs?” We went round and round. She repeating me, till I thought she was calling brown eggs, wheat eggs. Now, that was funny stuff. But it doesn’t happen often. Besides, it took me a long time to love without walls and fighting words and gritty-stubborn grins. But God!

‘For I will restore you to health; and I will heal you of your wounds,’ declares the Lord, ‘Because they have called you an outcast, saying: “It is Zion; no one cares for her.”’ Jeremiah 30: 17 NASB

The Lord sets the lonely in families. He has blessed me with children and grandchildren who have taught me to play and sing—to love wide and free, without conditions and restraint, like I have nothing to lose! And to sit and listen longer. Likewise, he’s blessed me with a partner who taught me to laugh at his silly antics and jokes—his mission is to make me laugh and see myself correctly. Christ’s view alone! 

So today, I’m snickering as I remember my dad hitting the softball and flying around to third base, with his “comb-over cap” letting loose like a victory flag . . . and his naked knees getting all dirtied-up as he slid into home base. I know you’re free now dad; and so am I!

Thank you for teaching me in your last years that Jesus loved women, the orphan, widow, and outcast . . . the stranger and the alien and that our voice matters. Thank you for instilling in me a love for the gospel and Christian ministry. 

Grace is found in the wilderness,

Lily Mae

Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms; But they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love, and I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws; and I bent down and fed them. Hosea 11; 3, 4 NASB