grace

Dreary Days

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drenching

The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
He gathers the outcasts of Israel. 
He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:2,3 (NASB)

I love dreary days…the cold, damp, and draining,
tear-drenched fall to earth…
adding to the already dying…it becomes one.
I can’t avoid the gloomy so I might as well embrace it.
I slow down and give myself
permission to feel…
to dig deep…and surrender to my pain….to reflect on loss-
the taking… losing….leaving…. walking away…
and death of dreams.
I pause to consider the hurt and wander listlessly in pajamas…
until… I choose to get moving.
And then I begin to scrub… anything and everything…
the cleansing, frenzied rush to busy my hands…
until I sit weeping on the bathroom floor.

The pain is still there…I remember…
and can’t work my rag hard enough to forget!
I push the mother’s tear-filled eyes from my mind…
beat the young man’s words from my thought’s…
and hide my own “Christmas” memories under piles of Ajax.
I  scrub until my hands are raw.
The bleach burns my nostrils and my nose runs ugly…
and it gives me all the more reason to just let it out.
I empty pain on tiles of beige, brown, and copper…
the tears and shower stream blending together…flowing as one….
the washing, purifying, and raw is necessary!
Dreary days bring healing rain…

The drenching fall is inescapable…and I embrace my pain.
It cleanses and heals from the inside…out…
as I drink in my sorrow and sing
at the top of my lungs until I mean it…
“All is well with my soul”….

I bow low in the shower stall,
my manger of filth,
with my impure thoughts and words…
my soul ache and longings.
And I ask myself,
“Am I willing to accept what the Lord wants?”
Would I respond like Mary, the young mother of Jesus?
“I am the Lord’s servant.”
“May it be to me as you have said.” (Luke 1:38)
I work harder to rid myself of shame and guilt.
I’m so unworthy, desperate, and afraid…
lonely, ungrateful, and unfulfilled…
longing for more of Him who searches and finds.
The one who rescues and saves…
gathers and builds the outcasts of  homes…churches…and cities!
I want more of Jesus…
the one who heals the brokenhearted
and binds their wounds.
The God of the universe…
who cares about details and
counts the stars, giving each a name.
I ponder…He knows my name.
Intimacy is here …waiting…in this place.
He favors me and bends down to take
hold of my hand.
In this uncertain and unlikely stall,
God steadies me…
He surrounds and protects,
strengthening the walls and gates of my home.
He scatters the frost like ashes with a flick of His wrist.
With precision, purity, and pattern…unraveling beauty…
He scatters…
each ice fragment landing where He destined design and perfection.
It is no whim of His…
Nothing is impossible for Him…Emanuel with us!

So I follow His example.
Yes, again…I turn…
and I cease the striving and choose another way.
In this moment, I choose joy…
I begin the cutting, pasting, and pressing,
creating beauty
from what is worn and torn…used and broken…
new and perfected…the colorful, glitzy, subdued and bland…
painting… the blending of colors and pieces coming together
to tell a story…one that flows from the heart…
unseen until now.

My God satisfies and fills me with His goodness!
He makes peace at my borders…
hemming me in on all sides…safe….
I paint to the edges…pink, taupe, coral…
coming together and mixing…healing with each stroke.
And purple peeks through reminding me of who I am…
Royalty… a Daughter of the King!
Hope buried deep begins to rise and break free
from the depths of my despair.
That which has been bound inside …locked tight… breaks free…

I begin to sing with abandon,
faint whispers at first and growing in strength…
my heart spilled out.
My Savior is FOR ME…
His love will be victorious! Take courage…

Like Mary, we are favored,
and may find ourselves in our own dirty, smelly, and uncomfortable stall…
bearing a stigma.
Will we accept our purpose and go where He calls?
We embrace the drenching rain and feel our pain!
God is with us in the waiting…
and will reframe our  brokenness with beauty
as we turn towards Him and sing.
Don’t be afraid to choose the joy!

Lily Mae

Circles of Grace

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Mosaic

Providing a circle of quiet within the clamor of evil…
Psalm 94:13 (The Message)

We met by chance and walked the track together a few years back.  Two mothers at the end of their ropes…trying to find our way as we parented freedom seekers.  And at the end of the miles we weren’t any wiser.  But we shared our burdens and unloaded our baggage. We felt lighter as everything spilled out…fears, worries, shame, guilt, and hope had been voiced and intertwined.  As we were leaving, she hesitated, surprise written across her face, and said, “You make people want to be in your space.” I gasped and grinned wide.  Her words were a balm, a gift of healing.  Gratitude filled my heart for she had done the same. We had walked circles of grace! And as I drove home, I pondered the significance of our open spaces.

How do we welcome others into our space… and do we?  Or do we close ourselves off because we are uncomfortable with our differences?  Are we afraid of opening doors, and having nothing to say?  Or worst yet, saying the wrong thing, and having them slammed shut?  Fear builds walls when we focus on what sets us apart, rather than digging deep to find our common ground.

Humanity encompasses a mosaic of pain and suffering, survival and thriving, and beauty and restoration.  Each experience is necessary, and has a place in creating the larger masterpiece.  The broken, shattered, old, useless, ugly, ruined rubbish… and the gems… all fit together.  Nothing is wasted as our Master Creator, our common ground, lives and moves within.  His reflection will be seen in our lives as each piece is contributed to His work of art!

Everyone whose heart stirred him and everyone whose spirit moved him came and brought the Lord’s contribution for the work of the tent of meeting and for all its service and for the holy garments….He has filled them with skill to perform every work of an engraver and of a designer and of an embroiderer, in blue and in purple and in scarlet material, and in fine linen, and of a weaver, as performers of every work and makers of designs.
Exodus 35: 21, 35(NASB)

We will experience difficulties and seasons of suffering, but shouldn’t have to bear them alone.  Casting aside fear, we choose to walk along side others.  Our presence speaks grace as we make eye contact and don’t turn away.  With open minds we listen, and ease into understanding.  We cease the striving, and hope to learn something new.  These are sacred moments as we meet in the middle and set aside our rights.  Like Jesus, we don’t flinch!  And we ask ourselves, “How old is our soul, our capacity to be an open vessel? Old and wise enough to learn something new? ”  We pray it is so!

We may need to stay the extra hour after a meeting, and sacrifice our time.  Or we may have to take the long way home, and drive a little slower.  Building trust isn’t easy…but  if  we commit to hearing, and don’t give up, understanding will come.  We don’t always have to be on the same page.  It’s more important to make our space an open place for conversations to begin!  As we reflect Christ, relationships will be healed and reconciled.

Living circles of grace,

Lily Mae